Ayahuasca Shamanic Journey:
A Life Unveiled

by James Khan

Strange and Very Real

This will seem a very strange. alien experience, and most people may find it difficult to relate to.

It is about powerful hallucinogenic substances, non sensory perceptions, alternate realities and such.

It took place in a city in Spain that I'll not name because I don't want to start an official witch hunt, or a stampede of persons wanting to take part.

 

It happened on the 3rd week of September 2006.

About the Author

As you'd gather from this web site, I look after my mind and body. treat my body as a temple - don't smoke, don't drink, don't take intoxicants of any kind and never have; don't take chemicals of any kind either; no pharmaceutical drugs or any other drugs for that mater.

So far as possible I eat only natural, pure, healthy mostly raw foods and water.

I regularly fast and cleanse, including the 7 Day Fasting and Cleansing Program - this program involves a complete inner cleanse, removing pounds of snake like deadly junk from the system. This page has some pictures and a video from my last cleanse.

For the last 30+ years I have regularly, almost daily, practiced yogic/tibetan meditation practices for establishing presence and a degree of control over ones mind and ego.

I am also a body work therapist, trained in therapies such as Shiatsu, Massage, Aromatherapy, and various dance forms intended to get you out of the mind by focusing on the body and the breath.

I am also an IT consultant and experienced computer programmer very good at detailed logical thought processes, that can be tested or independently verified.

I decided to take Ayahuasca, a substance that I was told by my friend Al (after the event!), is 40 times more powerful hallucinogen, or mind bending substance, then LSD.

What follows is a personal journey, a journey specific to me, but you will gain value from it if read it as if YOU were experiencing it - in the safety of your home!

The next section is a preamble that explains what the Plant is, how it is used, and why take it and the academic studies conducted on its use.

In order to follow the journey, you must know something about the nature of the Mind, Ego and our Perceptions of Reality. How we think, how we perceive and make sense of reality. I have summarized these as the Five Fundamentals to knowing oneself. You should read this page first so as to better share my experience, because you will be seeing from my eyes, from my perspective, based on what I know to be true.

The experiences described below and the actions I decided upon will only have meaning for you if you share this understanding or philosophy of knowing yourself - then follow the journey through the recesses of the mind, with me as your guide.

 

What is Ayahuasca and Why Take It?

Ayahuasca is a brew made from the bark of a vine (Caapi) and the leaves of a plant called chakruna. It is taken by the Shamans in the Amazon jungles, a tradition that goes back to at least 10,000 years.

It is considered to be a spiritual, awakening experience.

The active substance is naturally secreted by the pineal gland, considered to be the location of the Third Eye.

An ayahuasca experience relates to such things as:

• Mystic States
• Visions
• Near Death Experience
• Out of Body Experiences
• Spirit Guides
• Other World Beings
• Ancient Teachers of Humanity
• Visits to Other Worlds

It is an essential part of Shamanic Culture and Religion.

I had read lots about it, everyone said how good it was, apparently the only issue with it was that it made you purge - lots of vomiting and diarrhea!

With the amount of internal cleansing and fasting that I've done, this was not an issue at all for me.

I was interested in what insights the experience may provide me with and to see for myself what all the fuss was about. More importantly, I wanted to see of there are such things. I had tried for years to do what is called Astral Projection, this is where you project your 'astral' (an energetic body) to far away worlds for example. But I had no results from this, so gave up!

I did have good experiences with Lucid Dreaming though - this is when you are dreaming, and wake up to realize that you are dreaming. You are then able to control the dream. I have been able to control the dream, even wake up and into another dream, and keep a complete recollection of the experience.

 

Ayahuasca: Scientific Studies and Books

The active substance, DMT, was studied by Dr Strassman in the first funded research into psychedelic substances since the 1960's, and he wrote about it in his book DMT: The Spirit Molecule.

DMT effects the brain and and the hormone-producing endocrine glands.

Serotonin receptors are a key locus for DMT’s biological/pharmacological effects.

This is a review of the Dr Strassman's book: http://www.diagnosis2012.co.uk/dmt.htm

Graham Hancock author of Supernatural, Finger Prints of the Gods and other best selling books has conducted extensive research into Ayahuasca after he first reluctantly tried it in the Amazon in 2003.

This is a very interesting interview: Graham Hancock Interview, there is also a longer radio interview that you can search for in google.

Graham had made a 3 part documentary called: The Quest for Lost Civilizations, that I would very highly recommend.

Hancock reports that the Harvard Medical School conducted a 15 year study, and found no harm from the continuous use of Ayahuasca. Several other studies have been conducted, some are mentioned here: http://www.maps.org/research/index.html

 

I first heard about it on the internet several years ago. I had intended to go to South America to participate at the same time that David Icke did (in 2003), and wrote about in his book Tales from the Time Loop.

 

This is an excerpt from David Icke book: Tales from the Time Loop. Icke wrote a follow up book Infinite Love is the Only Truth, Everything Else is Illusion, which contains extensive images resulting from his Ayahuasca visions.

 

Breath a little deeper then and focus on your breath, exhale completely, let it all go, and let all illusions go as you read what follows.

 

The Weekend

By chance I read an article in a Spanish magazine about Tantra and a Tantra weekend. As I was free that weekend, this suited me fine. I called on friday evening from work and talked to someone who said in the very limited english that they would do Tantra on Saturday only and have a Ayahuasca ceremony on the Sunday, and that I was welcome.

The Ayahuasca intrigued me a little, but I didn't expect anything as I had once made the brew myself (actually my mum brewed it for me, under my strict instructions as per the best instructions I could find on the internet on how to brew aya), and nothing happened! It was a total waste of time.

Tantra is a method whereby the senses, the sensuality is used as a means to achieve union with the infinite one. Normally one takes the view that you can have spirituality or sexuality, but not both. Tantra, and Tantric Buddhism is an ancient tradition, but it is considered a very dangerous path, for obvious reasons!

On the Saturday we did Tantra. I don't propose to write about that here except mention that a number of people would come for both days, some just for the Tantra, others just for the Ayahuasca.

I had made connections, a heart felt friendships with some of the people that attended the Tantra. Spanish people for me are somehow very special, they are possibly the most spiritual or connected people in Europe, and I bond with them quickly. They seem like family, seem almost eastern to me, like high caste indian people, but without the mental repressions that seem to have taken indian people nowadays.

During lunch at a local restaurant I had the chance to talk to Don Luis about his experience with Tantra, Shamanism and Ayahuasca. I explained that I had tried brewing Ayahausca once before, but nothing happened.

I wonder if this made him give me a stronger dose because this time things happened!

I also asked him how he got into Tantra, he said from books and then by ball-breaking hard work! Sonia asked me how I got into it, I told her that it was automatic, I unconsciously knew exactly what to do even at a young age, before I read any of the Yogic texts about it. Almost as if I was born with mastery over my sexual functions, and the associated mental and emotional processes.

On Sunday morning I went to a massive street market in the heart of the city. Spent much of the time there, bought a second-hand leather jacket and just enjoyed the atmosphere. Then at around 1PM I headed for the center - they had asked for people to come around 1- 2PM. I was tired from the walking and had intended to relax and sleep for this ceremony thing.

Most of got together around 2 PM; around 20-30 people, all Spanish speaking except me! Don Luis Jose, was well experienced as he had prepared and led such ceremonies for years. He had worked with people like Victor Sanchez, who's book I had read, as well as other Shamans that I did not know.

 

Scared?

Sonia, one of the girls I knew from the Tantra had not arrived. Her friend said that she was probably not coming, and we wondered why not? A good while later she arrived. I was happy to see her; hugged her and asked what happened.

She said that she almost didn't come as she was scared.

Sacred? Scared of What?

I looked at her wondering what on earth there was to be scared about?

She said 'the mind' after seeing my bewildered expression.

We both laughed at the silliness of that thought!

What is there to fear from the mind?

I would soon find out!

The Introduction and Ceremony

Don Luis gave a short intro in Spanish (which I didn't understand a word of!), then his helper (a lovely Spanish girl, who's name I forget!) gave everyone a plastic cup - and told them individually to hold it by the heart, ask for what you wanted from the experience. She said we'd all drink it together. She gave everyone a bag for vomiting too - I wasn't going to need it, but she gave it to me just in case!

She said that I should put my hand up if I needed any help. I had heard that it's effects start within an hour and last for around 4 hours. We would all talk about/share the experience as a group at the end.

We all drank it - I swallowed it slowly, it was bitter, but I'd tasted worse things!

Louis then asked everyone to tell the group what they asked.

I didn't understand what the others asked for as they talked in Spanish.I had asked the plant to help me know myself, which is what I told the group.

When they all finished, Don Luis put on some music.

 

The Hallucinations Start

I noticed after a little while sitting on the mat on the floor that the music was very loud, I was about to ask to have it toned down as it was interfering with my silence and I wanted to sleep a little.

As I was about to raise my hand, I saw a girl opposite me put down her cup, I heard a the noise that the perspex cup made as it dropped.

I realized that it wasn't the cup but my hearing, my senses that were different, much more sensitive - something was going on.

I was relaxed, oblivious to any dangers, and decided to see where this goes.

I had heard that with Ayahuasca you see images when you close your eyes. I was tired from the walking in the market in the morning, and had intended to relax and maybe sleep a little on the mat, which I had made comfortable for that purpose, so I decided to still the mind, switch off and observe as I had been trained to do.

 

First Blow: The War Begins

Almost immediately something happened that is difficult to describe; I received a blow to the head as it were. The nearest way to describe it is like the sensation you might have in a boxing fight when you receive a knock-out blow, seconds before you pass out.

I used to box as a young boy, and was the UK Feather Weight Boxing champion in 1976. When you receive an unexpected left hook say, you see stars. Then the awareness passes out - I've never passed out during boxing or in fights, but I've been close - at that moment you are semi-unconscious, and need to react instinctively to remain conscious.

I immediately stood up, jumped up in fact, snapped out of it so to speak and took the Warrior Chi Gung posture and breath. From an inner knowing I quickly perceived that this was deadly serious, more then my life was at state. Why I 'felt' or 'knew' this, is difficult to explain, the section below "Real Dangers from the Subconscious" is an attempt at an explanation.

Over the years, I have done some 'dangerous' activities - been in street fights, boxing, rock climbing, and such. Here you need complete focus in the task at hand, a mind free of all thoughts. Generally the mind stops when you are in life threatening situations and you put your full attention the danger at hand.

I was not going to lose awareness at any cost. It felt as if that would be a fate worse then death - more then my life was at stake.

I felt confident though - I have spent a life time in the attainment and practice of what I would call Self-Mastery and have total self control.

I focused my attention on the breath as I performed the Chi Gung exercise. I had over the last 30 years of practice combined and developed what I considered the best from Chi Gung and Yogic Paranayama. It involved slow,focused body movements with the breath, with brief retention's after inhalation and exhalation.

 

Music, Sound and Fury

It seemed as if the whole of hell had broken lose. The sounds I heard were powerful, like some jungle rock music had been unleashed on my senses. Along with the music, I saw patterns, colours, shapes that seemed to move in step with wild music.

I ignored the the images by not looking directly at them. The music though was in my ears, I could not not listen to it. Fortunately, I'm not very musical, which in this situation was a saving grace! When I sing people soon tell me to shut up. "You're tone deaf!" my family tell me!

In any case, this music was not to my liking - I like classical music from people like Ravi Shankar, Ali Akbar Khan, Sufi Quwalis, Mozart, Beethoven and Bach. I don't know how to describe this music, whatever it was, it was disturbing my silence! I decided to ignore it and look at the other things.

I noticed that as I stood in attention, things in the room would rise and appear to take an image form, in tune with the music or encouraged by the music. Objects seemed to move in rhythm to the sound, I saw colours, patterns - I noticed all things, kept my eyes open, focused my vision on the entire room and not any single item that was placed in my awareness.

Shapes, colourful images would form which were attempting to draw me into them - some alluring, some grotesque. I could hear sounds very loudly. I continued to breath/meditate focusing my attention within and continued to observe. The music and the images kept distracting - everything was trying to make me focus on external things.

 

Where is My Heartbeat?

I noted that I could hear external sounds, but not my heartbeat as I normally can while breathing. I couldn't feel my energetic self either as normally one does when doing Chi Gung or Paranayama - no tingling, no warmth, no sense of calm.

The external sounds I heard were selective, it was as if some one would place certain images, certain sounds in front of my attention - it selected them according to what may appeal to me.

Who?

How does it know what would interest me?

How does it know where my 'attention' was to put things there?

How comes I can't hear everything, if my senses of perception had improved?

Why can't I hear my heartbeat as I normally can when breathing?

I continued to observe and breathe. I wondered if the sounds were real that everyone heard or just heard by me?

I suspected it was just me that heard these particular sounds and saw these particular images.

The sounds and images were very attention grabbing. The images would be larger then life, compelling if you focus on them. I continued to observe them, not directly but from a peripheral vision, from the corner of the eye, as one does in martial arts for example.

After some time, possibly an hour of diligence, I managed to instill a calm, an inner peace that is difficult to describe - you need to feel it to know it.

 

About Meditation

Meditation gets a bad name because of the way it is presented - something mysterious that only a few can do, or something that the 'tree-huggers' are into, thinking that they are spiritual!

Actually though, it is very straight forward.

Try this now:

Close your eyes, relax and listen to your heart-beat. Keep Focusing and you'll hear it, or rather sense it.

As you do, breathe a little deeper. Continue to place your full attention on the heart and the breath. You are not focused on any thought or object that may hold your attention. You are focused inwards, on attention itself, the awareness that knows, the thing or rather the 'no thing' that perceives - not the mechanism of perception nor the mode of perception, neither are you focused on the objects of perception.

That's it.

You get out of the mind by placing attention on the breath and the body. To give your mind something to do, make it count slowly in step with the heart beat. Breath in slowly so that it takes 8 beats for the in-breath. Hold it for a few seconds, then let it out for another 8 heart beats.

This is a regular practice, a discipline, a habit - do it every day morning and night. Try it for a month, and your life will be transformed.

In meditation you let thoughts be, just don't focus exclusively on any one - focus your mind instead on your breath. Your mind can not refuse this command because breath is the subconscious minds most basic fundamental function. By placing attention upon it, you are exercising a degree of conscious control over an automatic process.

Let me make this clear - you can not control the mind but you can control your breath, and by this means observe and obtain a degree of control the mind.

Meditation is not control of the mind directly - as I said, you can not do that, if you could you could stop the world because everything you see is projected by the mind. The 'struggle' or rather 'the Intent' is to be present, that is self-aware as the witness to the thoughts that come to ones attention.

The moment you completely get lost or possessed by a thought you lose that presence - in a sense you die and reborn as that thought. Normally it does not mater as you would return to awareness when you realize that you are thinking.

Sometimes it's fun to take a ride on the thought waves, that is what life is all about - but on this occasion I was staying firmly put!

 

The Way of the Warrior

From the perspective of true martial arts, we are at war - a never ending war against a very dangerous enemy. The stakes are high and the dangers very real - we risk our lives and something far more then life, the Spirit.

The Taoists traditions and practices are primarily concerned with Guarding the Three Treasures: Essence, Energy and Spirit.

The Warriors task is to Guard the Three Treasures.

When he fails, he loses his life.

 

Who's the Thief?

Who would steal the Three Treasures?

The mind would. The mind steals the warriors treasures and converts them into mind stuff - all the world that we see.

It does this by the mechanism of Energy Follows Thought. Each thought that you have has an associated 'thought form', it is composed of the energy from the three treasures that has been stolen from you.

The mind, by this mechanism, manufactures Maya, the world that we live in and enjoy - it is not evil. The Taoists of old realized that the universe consists of energy - Evil is just mind manufactured concept that has no energetic basis.

As Hamlet said,

"there is nothing good or bad in the world, but thinking makes it so"

 

The Real Enemy Within

We fear many things - viruses, bacteria, Terrorists, Arabs, Muslims, AIDS, SARS, mad cows, Chinese, Sex, Sexual diseases, Snakes, Spiders, Satan, Big Brother Police State, Illuminate, Freemasons, Satanists, etc, etc. The list of enemies - people or things to fear - goes on an on.

However, if you critically examine each of these things, you will note that they are NOT your enemies - just made to seem like your enemies. You are being deceived.

The real enemy is elsewhere - and will stand grinning at your funeral (as Gibran put it) if you let it.

It is essential to understand that the real enemy is not something external, but something inside us.

Your only real enemy is the Unobserved Mind

The enemy is the Monkey Mind, the ring leader of the Five Thief's (the five senses). The mind manufactures all sorts of enemies, but in truth it itself is our only true enemy.

Our true enemy is the UNOBSERVED mind. When it is carefully observed, it is no longer the enemy.

 

Social Conditioning/Brainwashing

There is no way to know if a thought you have (i.e. observe) is induced by a substance or if it comes from where ever 'your' habitual thoughts normally come from, or from another external source.

Either way, it does not matter - a thought is a thought no mater what its source.

The personality (made mostly from habitual thinking) of a person often alters after they take certain substances, usually addictive substances, or even from reading or watching certain things.

I should mention here that Ayahuasca is not addictive and that the clinical studies and the thousands of reports that have been written say how it helps one see aspects of ones life. It has no reported medical side effects. But this does not mean that there are none because it depends on the mind of the individual - the mind can choose to be 'addicted' to anything, from compulsive thoughts to artificial or artificial reality creating substances.

Look at it this way - supposing I say to you that you need a hole in your head? You'll likely tell me to go to hell or something. Now suppose that thought came from you, from your own head - what would you do?

Believe it or not, thousands of people do follow such thoughts - they will go and put a hole in their own heads!

Look at Religion, Politics and other beliefs that people cling to while knowing that they suffer as a direct result of having those beliefs.

Look at the fights people have in relationships simple because they think something or believe something. I reckon that almost all relationship 'problems' would disappear if people would simply not think or believe things that are clearly harmful to them. If they just did this, which does not require much effort and costs nothing, they would be much happier, and live a more fulfilling, enjoyable life. But people rarely do - because they unconsciously think that they need a hole in the head!

People like their dramas, the rows, the fights, they seem to enjoy the pain

Look at the number of people that eat McDonalds, drink cola's, drink Alcohol, Coffee, Sugar; use Mobile phones, spend hours watching mind numbing TV, waste hours on pointless internet chartrooms, and countless other things that they need like they need a hole in the head.

Something inside, some thought or emotion or feeling tells them that they need this and they follow it - like robots!

Remember, these things are killing us (like a hole in the head), yet we continue to do these things even when this is pointed out. That's because the mind, a thought inside or a habit acquired tells us to do it and we follow like robots!

This applies to all thoughts - whether you label them Good or Bad, Black or White, Right or Wrong. These labels are just to the two poles, the duality inside which the mind traps us.

At this moment you are likely occupied by some thought, and that thought is drawing energy from you by the simple mechanism that energy follows thought. It does not mater if the thought is 'good' or 'bad' - these are just interpretations, judgments that the mind makes based on duality- and we attach to them.

This happens in all walks of life - Work, Religion, Sports, Leisure, Family Life, Eating, Drinking, Sleeping. The mind actually sabotages any pleasure or joy one may have from living - mainly by making one focus on tomorrow or on yesterday.

To be free from this mental tyranny, try this now: Bring your attention inside your body, into your belly; symbolically get out of the mind and into your body. Remember, you are not the thought nor the thinker. You are the silent witness. Keep breathing and focusing only on the breath and see what happens.

This is what I was doing; easily at first but that was just the beginning.

 

Walking out of the Ceramony Room

After some time (I have no way of knowing how much time had passed, but probably around an hour) I felt the need for fresh air - it's as if the air in the room was not providing the right energy. I know what energy feels like and something was not right in my guts. I then slowly, in full awareness walked out of the room, through the long corridor to the slight shut glass door, which had a metal shutter outside it, 90% down to cut out the light. I opened the glass door slightly to let in some air, stood in front of it and continued to breath/meditate.

The Spanish assistant girl came and asked me if I was in the experience or out of it. As she touched me, I felt a sort of electric charge flow through my body. I smiled, thanked her and told her that I was in the the experience. She smiled and left. Then she came back again, in a similar manner. She went away, then she came again.

It didn't come back, I had manufactured her. I then realized that my mind was doing this, it had made her up as I thought about her after she left me. It was as if whatever thought I would focus it would appear as a real flesh and blood person. I continued to breathe, I noted that by briefly focusing on the thought of her I could suspend her, almost as one can do with a video editing software like Adobe Premier!

Somehow, thoughts would get reflected in images that I would perceive along with normal consensus reality.

Later Luis came to me and asked if I was in the experience or out of it - I smiled and told him I was in the experience. He asked if I wanted more, I told him no - I had more then enough on my plate, more then I could handle! He smiled and left. Again, as I thought of him (as one does after meeting/talking to someone), he came back again. Again, I didn't focus on him, observed from a peripheral vision, and was able to observe him as I focused on my breath and observed all things in my 180 degree field of vision.

I had drank the small bottle of water I had, and slowly made my way to the drinking water fountain to drink some water. I noted how difficult it was to drink water while breathing - I had never done this before.

At this point point, having established inner peace and composure, I was enjoying the experience.

 

Seeing: Consensus Reality and Mental Worlds

As I stood there in focused meditation I saw a few persons from the group go to the toilet, there were vomiting sounds. I noticed that my mind would replay anything that I'd focus on. A face, an expression, anything would be placed in front of me depending on my thought. I continued continued to slowly breathe, continued to focus on the breath every second. The slightest lack of attention, lack of presence and I'd see things, the mind would play tricks.

A women from the group came and sat on the floor - she needed a cigarette. She went back, from her face it seemed to me that she was occupied by some very worrying, very serious thoughts. I smiled at her, but she took no notice. Later a man did the same, he also had a very worried expression. He smiled back at me as he went past me. As he sat I noticed that the hair on his arms were huge, like a werewolf's! I continued to focus. I noticed that my hearing was still acute, but only to certain things which 'something' (an aspect of my mind?) would place in front of me - I could still hear the music, could hear other sounds, some people vomiting, some other sounds from outside, people talking, cars passing.

I was aware of all things at the same time, and resisted focusing all attention on the one thing or the one image that this someone would place in front of me. I could for example see the man sitting, the door, the floor, bits of my body, the corridor, the desk (all real as perceived in normal reality), his werewolf like arm (Ayahuasca induced hallucination/illusion), the sounds like vomiting, people walking on the street etc, which I didn't know if they were real (in consensus reality) or not as I had no point of reference from my perspective. It seemed to me that when images, sounds were larger then life they were illusory - magnified by the mind.

I noted that this is what happens in normal life, but we don't notice it - we replay certain scenes, certain 'issues' or fights with someone and not others; put a lot of significance on some things and not on others. An event may occur, but the mind puts more into it, replays it, alters it, focuses on a particular thing and ignores other things - to suit it's own perspective, it's own beliefs.

Our reality is not based on what we see, but what we make of what we see.

Our minds decode certain bits of the reality that is in front of us and make a drama out of it. Society, news, TV, education, debate of any kind - in all walks of human life you see this: a small section of the underlying reality, lets call it 'factual' reality, is decoded and focused upon. This very small bit then becomes THE reality for everyone!

What about the rest? It's like if you were in a fantastic palace with spectacular views, but the only thing you look at is a little bit of dust, that in most cases only you notice.

Again, I wondered how Ayahuasca did that? How did it get me to focus on one thing? I wondered how in normal life this happened? Why is it that we become aware of some things and not others?

By what mechanism was Ayahuasca able to place things in front of my awareness?

How could it know what my awareness was or where my awareness was to put something in front of it?

How did it know what 'things' may be of interest to me?

It seemed to me that I was seeing my mind in action. I was enjoying this, so long as I didn't attach to anything as I knew how the mind works.

I had placed a mat that was outside by the door so that the door would not shut, then stood outside, but still inside the shutter. There I continued the chi gung, being aware every second. The gentle movement would help me focus on the breath, a moments lapse and I would start to attach to the things I was seeing, or think things or replay things. I kept my eyes open, or semi closed and continued with the meditation. I continued to focus on the breath, the slightest lapse would have been very costly - I could easily get trapped in the so perfect illusions, particularly as I seemed to be losing control of my mental faculties and not aware that I was losing them.

 

Entrapment: Using Every Trick in the Book

Earlier in the room, it had been also been showing me sexually alluring images of women (it knew me well!). It seemed that when that didn't work at occupying me, it'd use other images and associated thoughts. The same for sounds.

When one thing didn't work it would try another, somehow connected with my life. Along with the images would be thoughts. Thoughts, 'my thoughts' would come to me. If I used logic/reason to get past something, to drop it, it would use the same logic against me by presenting the opposite view to my attention. I continued to breathe and focus.

It seemed to me that this something was using every trick in the book to get me onboard, to get me trapped. It's like a child that jumps in front of you saying 'look at me, look at me' - I see you, I can't not see you! Then it is like a Guru, a guide. When that doesn't work, it would shut up, then attack when you are least expecting it. It would use a thought and what was seen or heard together - so a reality was created such that my thoughts and what I saw, heard and felt were in perfect agreement.

For a yogi, or someone who is concerned with self-mastery, to be trapped in illusions or possessed or occupied by something would be the worst thing that could happen. I often get caught up in thoughts, get occupied by them, and wonder how I got there when I become aware that I'm thinking something. But I was not going to do that here. The more it tried to distract me, make me think, the more effort I made to be alert and silent.

 

Out on the Street

I felt that I had got the better of it - piece of cake really. Then I stepped outside the inner door to face the shutter. For a while I focused on the shutter - there is a Tibetan meditation exercise where you just look at either a complete black or complete white surface, while breathing and focusing your attention within. I did this for a while, and noted that images would form on the light blue shutter - sure sign that all was not well, I snapped out of it as I didn't want to go to cloud cookoo land!

Then I became interested in the outside. I thought of taking a look outside, but didn't want to lose my altered state.

What harm could a little light do I wondered? So like a curious boy who's doing something he knows he shouldn't be I bent down and put my head under the metal shutter.

The street looked the same. I came back, felt in the same state (i.e. still hallucinating, if I allowed it!). So I decided to crawl under it and stand and look at the world outside.

I had been in conscious dream states before, and I had read all the Carlos Castaneda books as a child, and always wondered what it was like to see other things, other realities.

Now, finally I was doing it!

But I had remain alert, pay full attention and observe.

I decided to go for a walk. I needed my shoes and jacket, so I walked back into the room (in full awareness, not focusing on any one thing apart from my breathing). I picked up my jacket, then slipped on my sandals and slowly walked back out and crawled out under the shutter.

 

Ayahuasca's Hold Gets Stronger

Outside, my focus shifted from the breath to outer things - thoughts started taking over. They seemed to get in between the gaps in my breathing, while I was distracted by the street.

Don Luis came and offered me help if I needed it. First I didn't answer and didn't look at him as I thought he was another illusion, pretending to be a guru! I had spoken several times to Don Luis - three times I believe with the actual Don Luis, once he introduced me to Suzanna, then later he asked if I was in the experience and whether I wanted more, and again when he wanted to ascertain that I was capable of leaving. In addition he had introduced me to another woman as "a fine soul", another woman as his "wife" - meaning lover, suggesting I could explore this from his tone and accent!

I had ignored these, though he was identical in every way each time - yet somehow I knew that the two of the times were Ayahuasca induced.

Outside, he asked again but I didn't look straight at him - but noted him from my peripheral vision. He asked again. This time I realized he was real, I looked at him directly, smiled broadly and apologetically at my stupidity and said "no thanks I'm fine!"

This he acknowledged with a nod. I noted that he was an honorable person. I was asked if I was going - I can't remember if it was then or later. I said yes, but I may come back.

On the street I noticed people walking - but I could not distinguish between perceiving what was real and perceiving what my mind had created in the altered state. My mind would replay things - for example I watched a middle aged Spanish looking women walk past me, then come back and move closer, go away, then do the same thing! It was as if a video camera would replay something, leave other things. I knew these were things that I perceived as images because of my altered state. Now though, the two perceptions were becoming indistinguishable.

 

Like a Dream

It was like walking in a dream - in a dream, your mind makes up everything you see; sometimes dreams are very vivid, everything is in 3D and very real. Here, I was seeing, perceiving both things at the same time. Somehow, the mind would present both things (i.e. consensus reality, the reality that everyone would see, and my mind induced reality that only I would see), and they would somehow merge to form one reality.

However, I knew there were two things - I carefully observed and tried to separate the two. I noted that when I determined something was out of place (from memory of seeing the street before or by deduction), that something would disappear when I next looked at it.

I kept breathing. I noted that the music was still playing, I could hear it but I was a long way from the music - must have been in my head I deduced. I continued to breath - and patted my self on the back for every victory as I brought awareness to every thought, every 'sight' and every sound I heard. But with each victory, the next second the mind would focus on the 'victorious' thought and try to trap me by pondering on it! It would present the alternate viewpoint, which I would pay attention to.

I noted that the persons, the street, the sounds seemed to change - something seemed to be able to place what it wanted in my awareness and dim my mental/reasoning faculties. I continued to observe everything, including my thoughts - I could trust nothing, but could enjoy the experience!

It seemed that this 'someone' was using my own thoughts, my own words against me. It was able to stop other, rational thoughts from appearing! I could not focus on those at all!

 

 

Enlightenment, Death and Delusions

As I stood, a strange thing happened in my mind, my perception.

I suddenly realized that I had permanently slipped out of my previous world, as if I had died from it. I had no connection to it, and never had. It was as if the veils that connect us to this life experience had been lifted. It was as if I had died, never to return to the illusion, my 'old' world.

For years I have been aware that this is a negative world, of pain and suffering, as if a sinister, sub-human force ruled it, controlled it. The suffering, the unhappiness, the sadness, the global police state, the surveillance society, the controls were symptoms of this. But now, nothing concerned me - I was free, it was bright, there was light.

My past life to that point was only a dream, this is how things really are I felt. I felt that I was everywhere. Time seemed to have stopped.

In this state I had no feelings of warmth for anyone, no love for anyone, it was as if nothing or no one else existed, there were no loved ones except as dreams, unreal, and the memory was fading.

In Castaneda's books, Don Juan talked about an experience that was totally impersonal. I didn't know what he meant, now I may have experienced it, lived it.

I continued to look with a peripheral vision, wondering what was happening to me. I noted the Spanish buildings in white opposite, as it was before, the sunlight making a shadow, but it was if in my mind I had slipped out or died from the previous reality.

I continued to breath again. I had the impression that the entire cosmos was a projection of the mind, and I was the mind. I had the impression of being stuck in this place, time was crawling - I had no idea of the time or even what place I was in. I had the feeling or sensation of being trapped for eons in this place or state.

I then felt a pain in the pointless experience of being stuck in that bright, empty place - but there was no way out, or any place outside of this place.

Looking back, what was significant was that in this 'Enlightened' or 'Delusional' state I perceived my self or had a mental image of myself that was exactly as before, but with one crucial difference: I was wearing my white top.

In normal reality that day I was wearing my black top. Also, everything was very bright, more so then normal. At the time I didn't notice this or was not aware of it - this is something I 'remembered' later as I did some detailed re-collection while breathing/meditating.

 

An Unknown Episode: Darkness and Peace

I don't know how, but somehow I got free of this all encompassing state of mind, somehow I returned to silence and the dark. I didn't know how this 'dark' state was different, but it was a state I had been in before. I have very little recollection of it - I had experienced it before. A few times in meditation, as a child, and once when I was operated on and had a general anesthetic.

I only recall emerging from it and re-establishing connection to body and visible sensations. Like when you wake up in the morning - with a semi recollection alone.

I don't recall anything of how it was, but somehow in that 'dark' state I was back from beyond the brink and home. I left a sensation that I am familiar with but that is difficult to describe. You will feel it if you practice the mediation I mentioned above - it as if you don't remember anything, but somehow in the silence, in the place with the absence of light you were at peace, connected to all and free.

At the point of returning to bodily awareness, I recall wondering how God/consciousness could place aspects of itself in such a powerful illusion, with no hope of ever getting out. If I couldn't get out of Maya, no one could.

I then realized (as if I answered my own question) that everyone enters the world of illusions, Maya, with a heart, and as long as they breathe they would be fine - the breath would take them back to the realization of who they are.

When they stopped breathing, they would die and return to source.

I once had a dream as a child where I was in tears at seeing the plight of the world, trapped here with no hope of ever getting out. It was memorable because as far as I recall, I have never had tears as a child, and I remember those few times: in dreams and when my mother would read me biblical stories of Joseph and his brothers.

 

Seconds Out: Round Two

On returning to the 'presence' of my body and my breath I noted that I now had little energy - it seems that the ability or capacity to remain alert, to remain aware seems to depend on this.

The 'enlightened/delusion' episode had used up all my strength, all my energy, which presumably had been used up in manufacturing the bright world I perceived.

I had a premonition that now I was vulnerable, in real trouble. I would now fully come under the control of the drug and be possessed by the entity behind it. Though I had started well, in the end it had won round one, but somehow I got out unscathed.

Now though it was round two, and it was in full power, and I had be weakened.

As I re-established connection to mental faculties, Ayahuasca had the upper hand. Again again it would take me to a thought, which I would dismiss - it would then present another aspect, and insist that I focus on it.

I dropped the thought, as I had been there, 'thought' that thought before. In one instance, it insisted that I had not focused on this thought before. Indeed I had not, so I did - as it was very persistent, and I'm a curious person! I noted how I was able to focus with great clarity on a view point that I was not accustomed to, which was the opposite of what I believed.

I dismissed it just the same, one thought, one piece of logic is as valid as another and had nothing to do with me. I patted myself for getting out of that one, and continued to breath and observe. But it then managed to get me occupied by another thought - I noted that I had lost the ability to stay alert. It now had the upper hand, and would lead me to cloud-cuckoo land slowly but surely, by hook or by crook.

How did that happen? I did some squats, some kung-fu kicks, some jumps - I had control of my body, my nerves, my muscles, my limbs - how comes I started drifting?

I rubbed my bold head and realized that it was inside me, inside my mind, in the place where I am. By the holy tooth of Buddha what had I let in, what had I agreed to - the enemy was inside me. Inside my body, inside my head, inside my mind.

Incidentally, DMT is able to get past the blood-brain barrier. But this is an explanation of something else that happens on the mental levels - the brain is just a piece of meat after all.

I feared for my friends, my family - who, on my return would see the same me, but mind controlled, possessed by something.

Ever since a child I have felt a connection, that is difficult to express, and I felt that I would lose it. I feared that I would become one with the things of this world and lose the connection with divinity.

This 'thing' could suck me in, and via me suck in my family, my friends and all those people that trusted me.

I needed help. This thing decided what images to place in my consciousness, what thoughts to think - I couldn't ignore them forever. It had been systematic and persistent. Seemed that it now had the upper hand, and I had no energy left and my defenses were crumbling.

 

Prayers, Verses and Pilgrimage to Mecca

I began to pray - I remembered the surat Al-Fatya, that I was taught as a child, where one asks the Almighty for guidance, and I repeated it several times. A year earlier strange events with death threats to another IT consultant based in Riyadh, Saudi meant that I was forced to go to Saudi Arabia against my wishes.

At Saudi Telecom, a colleague, a computer programmer from Karachi, Pakistan asked me in Hindi if I would go to Mecca. Why on earth would I do that, I wondered?

From what I knew, there was nothing truly spiritual there - it had long been replaced by fundamentalism. The British, unknown to even themselves, played a part when they installed Whabism in Saudi. This is a new belief that did away with Islamic tradition, the Prophets examples and the way of life that the Umat or the Prophets community lived and the Laws that they followed.

Whabism replaced all that with their own interpretations of the Koran. In a liberal society where men and women lived together freely, they installed strict new rules where women were segregated, wore dustbin bags, and enforced a very strict Sex Police whose job it is to patrol all public places and arrest any women speaking to a man - with dire consequences for both, including the death sentence.

This idiotic system was then sent all across the Islamic world with the help of the oil money that later flooded into the Kingdom, and the system of Haj or Pilgrimage, where countless millions from all over the world would come to the Kingdom, possibly have a Spiritual experience, but leave with an anti-women, anti-sex attitude that they would take back home. Virtually any so called 'Islamic' book published in the last 60 or so years is based on Whabism, as are the likes of Taliban or Students and the so called Al-Qaida.

For someone like me, who loves women, it was the last place on earth that I'd want to go to!

So I asked him, as a fun thing actually, why should I go to Mecca?

He put his hand on his heart and said 'Labeck'.

I didn't know what that word meant, had never heard it before, but somehow it was like a trigger that held my full attention.

"What does that mean?" I asked him.

He didn't know exactly, as he didn't speak Arabic. He said it's like a 'registry' ('Hazry' is the Hindi word he used). I knew exactly what he meant, he needed to say no more - it means that the Infinite, the Almighty makes a call, you hear it in your heart, and you respond 'I'm Here Now, Oh Lord, I'm Here Now' as you would when a teacher calls your name at registry in school.

I immediately made plans to go. It was late, the planes were full, but a place was found for me. I was a bit concerned that my Christian first name may prevent me from entry into Mecca, but no one questioned me. I knew nothing about what one does, so my friend took me to another guy more senior in spiritual matters, who worked as the DBA.

The DBA and I got on like old friends, and he taught me what to do. He also arranged for me to have tuition from a genuine Arabic/Saudi scholar on the exact things to do and verses to recite, with the correct pronunciations. The only verse that the scholar he stressed was the Al-fatya, which I knew well from childhood, and he taught me several others - which I also knew, but had forgotten!

Then I had gone to Mecca on the pilgrimage as per the ancient tradition, naked accept a loin cloth, performed the rituals, and recited these verses continuously over the entire period in mental silence.

I spent virtually the entire time in the Kaaba, in silence, reciting the verses, drinking the zum-zum water and sleeping on the floor.

The Al-Fatya is a unique Surat (or verse) in that it is not a part of the Koran (considered to be the word of God), yet is the only Surat that is known and recited by billions, without knowing its meaning. It can be thought of as the heart of Islam, just as the Lords Prayer is the heart of Christianity. It's meaning is often in direct contradiction to the Koran - does one ask the Almighty direct for guidance (as per the Surat) or does one look for guidance from the Holy book?

 

Reciting the Al-Fatya and Prayers

In my drugged state, I recited the verses, like a mantra. I repeated it again and again and I felt stronger. I continued to repeat the verses and felt stronger still, able to get out of Ayahuasca's powerful clutches.

I then had a premonition - it would not let me go that easily.

As I expected, in the silence I began to see arabic words, moving in rhythm to the music that I heard again - they were probably words of God and the Prophet, but I ignored the images and stopped the recitation.

Islam does not have any images, nothing for the mind to attach to, but the mind invents things to focus on - words, names.

I recited the Lords prayer, as we did in school - I couldn't remember the start of it (this thing prevented it), but I remembered and repeated the bits about forgiving and asking for forgiveness.

God knew that I had been trespassed against by a ruthless intelligence far greater then I could grasp, but I held no grudges and felt better for the forgiveness. I forgave myself for harboring those feelings of disconnection from my fellow man.

I somehow remembered the words of Tony Robbins:

I am one with God and God is everything

I repeated those words time and time again. This was the second time that these particular words came to my aid, the previous time was six years ago.

I felt stronger. I regained my inner composure, I knew I would win. My fear disappeared - what is the there to fear when you are one with the Almighty?

Looking back, I suspect that my Over self had taken charge, had answered my call for help on the first time of asking. I'm a proud man, from a proud family, completely self-reliant, and asking for anything from anyone is not in my nature - this was the first time and the response was swift.

As Bob Marley would have put it, My hand was made strong by the hand of the Almighty.

Or as the Prophet Daniel said:

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;

Had I not gone to Mecca, I would not have asked for help - in which case I would not be here in the state that I am, and you would not be reading this.

 

Helping Others?

I felt a deep urge in my heart, in the depths of my being to go back into the ceremony place to help my friends, as they would not have had the training to control or drop the mind. I again felt the connection, the love for the individuals I had met the day before. But I resisted, there is little I could do as they would be having a personal experience. Also I knew what had happened to Castaneda. He (the Author) ended up in a mental hospital. Castaneda described being tricked by an Inorganic Being by using his desire to help another.

I knew that from another perspective, there are no others, behind the apparent diversity we are all one. I could not help anyone until I had fully regained self-control, self-mastery. It seemed that I would help the best by completing my journey - and this is what I wanted to do.

I believe I decided to face this 'thing', take it head on.

I began to 'hear' the music again - but it was much better music, much more serene, peaceful.

Had it now become my friend? I dismissed the music just the same - I've been tricked before.

At this point I noted that I had forgot my hat in the building. I wondered if I should leave it - the thought said best leave it. I mulled it over while breathing deeply - I feared that if I returned, I may not be able to get out again as it may put some other silly thoughts, illusions in my head. But I also knew how the mind could place silly little things in my awareness to stop me from doing what it didn't want me to, and my hat behind could make me return when I didn't want to.

I decided to go in again. Slowly, in full awareness I walked back in. Saw my hat by the mat, picked it up and walked out - all in full awareness. I think it was at this moment that I was asked if I was coming back by Don Luis - I said yes.

 

Seeing My Reflection

I noticed from the corner of my eye a reflection of my body on a window of my body, like a shadow you see from a tinted, transparent glass. I was wearing black clothes, and the image of me was as I remembered it.

Though I have never seen my body, somehow I knew that I was looking at myself - this was not a reflection. I focused on this image fully - it was the only thing that had greatly intrigued me. I noted that I could 'zoom' in to my face - I have a characteristic scar on my left cheek. It was visible - on a reflection you can not see this. I marveled at how well this reflection was made, everything was just right. Then I had a worrying thought: it had made a mistake, that something was wrong - why is my hat not there?

I looked to see my brown leather hat on my physical body, it was hanging on my back. I turned myself sideways, and saw the hat in the reflection - now I was pleased, a fairly good reflection I thought - and the only thing so far that it had shown me of direct, non-mental interest. Looking back, it is notable that though I knew it was not a reflection, it still played by the rules, the image behaved like a reflection, everything made perfect sense to the logical mind.

So, it had now become my friend it seemed.

Then I saw another reflection on a car window, then another, then another. Everywhere I looked. I focused again on my breath, my mind was playing tricks again - like hell it would become my friend, I'd need to watch it like a hawk.

I marveled though at its ingenuity, how easily it manufactured cars, buildings with glass panes, everywhere I looked, all making perfect sense, nothing out of place. I took a deeper breath, ignored my reflections and all the other things I was seeing and decided to walk up the street.

 

Getting a Grip on Consensus Reality

I decided (or was guided to) to walk towards the Metro. Why I didn't know.

I had an urge of calling, talking to someone real. I was in two worlds, my own mental world and the consensus reality world as seen by other people. Both seemed to merge completely. I knew that both (my hallucinations, and the normal things that everyone would see) and were unreal, but I needed to get a grip on consensus reality and fast.

There seemed to be an urgency to this now, my friends from the group would need my help, and the would need it soon. I had to snap out of it, fast.

I needed a calling card, which you get from an 'Alimentacion' as they call them in Spanish. But I couldn't find one - actually I walked into one, but on entry it seemed to change into something else - a building with lots busy people, lots of doors leading to God knows where.

I again smiled at it's ingenuity, how well it integrated my hallucinations into normal walking reality, then turned round and walked straight out.

I realized that this thing was not going to let me do this. I then somehow realized that I had a mobile phone - I looked for it in my pocket, but this was a very difficult task to carry out and I couldn't find it. I did though see a piece of paper which I had written the day before. I examined this with full attention while still breathing - I skimmed it and noted that everything was as I had written it the day before at the Tantra. It was an answer to a question Don Luis had asked everyone about 'how they though others saw me?'.

I had written that people see me as they are. I have friends from all walks of life - scholars, sufis, doctors, judges, directors, computing professionals, accountants, as well as heroin and crack drug addicts, drop outs, prostitutes, and they all see in me as they are - or rather as the best of who they are.

I knew what I had written so was not interested in that, I wanted to establish if the mind had manufactured it or if it was the actual paper that I had written. Somehow I reasoned that it was real, and I carefully put it back in my jacket pocket, for the future. Then I fumbled again, and found my phone - it had been a long time since my intention to talk to someone - it, or my thoughts kept distracting me. I looked to see if the phone was real or mind made - I could not trust anything, but I gathered from the immense difficulty I had focusing on the phone that it was real. I looked through my contacts, I saw Al, my boss and my friend. So I called him. It rang several times, then I got a message in Spanish that I didn't understand.

I spoke to Al the following day, he said that at 6-15 he received a call from a number he didn't recognize. This means that at this time I had been a little over 3 hours under the hallucinogen.

I decided to give up on talking to anyone and walked towards the Metro.

 

The Metro

On the way to the metro I thought of how polluted this city was, and how dangerous, suicidal breathing in it could be. I then passed two large dust bins (real or imaginary I didn't know) and I could strongly smell the garbage.

I stayed well away from the bins, as the smell was too strong, but without crossing the road, though I continued to breathe and focus.

I noted that the metro was not as before - it had several connections displayed, but I knew that the actual station didn't have them. As I realized, the Metro seemed to change as I got closer to it.

On the stairs at the entrance I saw a police women coming up, I continued to breathe and not focus on any one thing, noted that she seemed to change to a security guard. She came and stood next to me, to the left, lit a cigarette and looked directly at me. She was blonde, had her top buttons unfastened. Yes I do have a soft spot for women, and knew why she was there, but I politely ignored her and she disappeared.

I noted then that there was a couple, a boy and girl, by the entrance on my right side, kind of hippies, drop outs - again something was not quite right. I didn't look at them either, but I didn't want to go into the metro until I had resolved why they were there. I noted that they moved beyond my range of peripheral vision - yet I knew they were still there. I waited and waited - they drifted back.

What the heck? Why were they there?

I had now learned that everything Ayahuasca showed me was for a reason, so why this boy and girl? Then it came to me - it was presenting the boy as something like me!

Idiot, I thought! I in no way identified the boy, the lifestyle or his girlfriend - it was true though that I had done such things, but that was pretence only.

As I realized this, the couple disappeared, and I slowly walked down the stairs into the metro.

I couldn't find my metro ticket - couldn't trust my hands or my pockets. Fortunately. I noted from my back trouser pocket that I had 10 Euros, so I took these to the kiosk and asked for 'Dis, por favor' - these 10 tickets cost 6-15. I carefully looked at what he gave me - the ticket and some Euros.

I thought that I should be somewhere else, I was wasting time here. I should be experiencing things, out of the world things, I should be flying, having the experience of my life. My mind wanted to wonder of somewhere else, so I brought to the present moment, it back to the body, back to the 'dull, boring' ordinary reality.

With great effort I focused on my hand as my mind point blank refused to do as I willed. With all the power at my command I focused and eventually saw my hand. Was it my physical hand or had it manufactured it?

I saw the coins in it - didn't know if they were real or not either.

I carefully checked the change. I focused and focused as I couldn't get my mind to do as I intended - check the change. I again thought that I should hurry up, not waste time standing here as I was in the way of other, busy people. I remained and focused on working out how much the change should have been, but couldn't do it, couldn't focus on it. I persevered - in frustration I thought that 'OK, 100 less 15 is 75'.

Then I slowly counted 8, 9, 10 - yes, I had 3 Euros change. I carefully counted the cents, and noted that he gave me 20 cents too much. So I gave him 20 cents back, he looked at me and said 'valle', meaning OK.

I noted that his assistant was giving him a shoulder message as I returned the 20 cents. This seemed perfectly normal, but I knew he wouldn't do that in consensus reality.

I placed even more resolve on focusing, breathing and not attaching to any thought or trusting anything that I saw.

 

Taking the Train - but dreaming or awake?

I have been in conscious dream states before, where I know that I'm dreaming and passing through a familiar location - often, on reflection, the details are never correct. This felt exactly like it, only different because I was not dreaming - actually I didn't know if I was awake or dreaming, there were elements of both.

I continued to focus in my breath and very slowly walked to the entrance, put my ticket in, carefully noted that it said 9 on the meter.

I had no fear, but I had to be very, very present as it was very difficult to distinguish what was real from what wasn't, and this thing that was inside me could kill me if I didn't distinguish between them.

I observed every little detail and compared it with what the real station was like from memory. At the platform I noted that the train didn't have a destination as they usually do - this was worrying, where was this train going to?

Was it a real train?

Was this station real?

I got on the train, as did other people.

My hearing was acute, I could hear loud conversations - as I had become used to know, what I heard was selected by 'someone', but I still couldn't hear my heart beat.

I then noted that I could now hear everyone in the compartment at the same time. I didn't know if the sounds were 'real' or made up by my mind. The train seemed to take a long time, and started to shake. I noted, but ignored all things - mind tricks. I noted that the next stop was as it should have been. Someone left a seat, so I sat on it. I continued to breath, focus.

I noted that a girl sat on the seat opposite me, and looked at me, she seemed nice and seemed to take an interest in me. I knew she was not a hallucination, but she was different then the others on the train in terms of awareness. She got up at the next stop, again turned and looked at me while standing at the door. I wanted to talk to her, but something made me continue with my mission - whatever that was.

Thinking back, it seemed to me that girl alone was awake, like a child is awake and curious. If you go to any public place you will note that everyone is rushing around, busy, occupied by thoughts, asleep to any reality that may exist beyond their no doubt very pressing thoughts. Occasionally you see people that are not so occupied, and who you can connect with.

 

Meeting Lady Aya

I got off at Gran Way, the main Metro station in the city. In full awareness and full mindfulness I walked out to the street. I was familiar with a number of things here, so I felt better able to distinguish between the underlying reality, and the reality it created for me. I walked down the main street, saw a number of people, some that I'd seen before.

I had remembered a girl I knew, and a little further there she was. Co-incidence? Not bloody likely! I would finally meet her face to face.

I approached her with 180 degree vision, in full awareness. She had her back turned to me, I knew that she was 'mind' manufactured, but unlike the other illusions that I had ignored, she was the ring master behind it all.

I'd say that she was Lady Aya herself. I had come to talk to her, to get an answer. She was expecting me. As soon as I got close, she turned round and immediately asked me something very personal that I won't repeat here.

I looked at her with full attention.

How old are you? I asked her.

22 she replied, quickly to confirm her credentials - the girl was indeed 22 as I had seen her passport on a previous occasion.

I nodded and smiled at her.Yes, just like your passport I responded, as if completely agreeing with her in words, and over agreeing in manner.

Yes, just like my passport....She responded quickly, then realizing that I knew that she was much older, as old as life itself. She stopped mid sentence, and decided to drop her act. I looked at her with great care and there was a period of silence between us. I looked at her face, lips, her hair - all done to perfection.

She seemed to be taken aback by my attention.

Why are you doing this? I then asked her

She hesitated, then replied: I don't know

Aya or the mind is using every trick in the book, and some not in the book to trap me, but it does not know why it is doing it! I had expected her to say something like 'to survive', 'to live', 'to exist', but appreciated her honesty.

 

The Water Fountain, the Sun and the Spikes

I asked no further questions, left her and walked towards the main square. It had a water fountain. I went close to it, then walked right into it to touch the water. The water didn't seem real, but I couldn't be sure as I couldn't properly feel my hands. I tasted the water, again not sure.

Ayahuasca is called the Vine of the Dead, and for good reason. I didn't know if I was dreaming or awake - it could have tricked me into another reality.

I looked at the sun. I did a short 'sun gazing' exercise, and this felt as if it was 'real', the same as at other times. However, the sun didn't feel warm and I didn't know if it was the real sun, an illusion/dream or my perception that was faulty. I tried pinching myself again to see if I could feel anything - couldn't be sure.

I sat on these metal spiky things that surrounded the water fountain to stop people getting to the water - ouch! That hurt!

So maybe it was real!

Very sharp pain is always real - I wonder if that is one of it's purposes, to awaken the consciousness?

 

Fresh Orange Juice and Making My Mark

I then walked up a walking street to a bar I knew that sold freshly squeezed orange juice. Again, I walked in full awareness, with 180 degree vision so that I don't focus on any one thing. I wasn't sure if this street was there in 'normal' real life - I kicked myself for not paying attention the last time I saw this place.

I got to the juice bar and asked for 'Un Zumo de Narranja por favor' - she went to make it, I continued to focus, a seconds lapse could prove dangerous. I noted that I had not observed her make the juice - I gave myself a jolt to observe everything.

I gave her 1.80, then carefully, slowly took the juice and sat at a table while breathing.

I slowly drank it, trying to keep attention on my breath at the same time. I knew that the moment I made even a small pause of attention on the breath, the mind would but in and drag me off somewhere. This was the first time that I had drank something while aware of my breathing, and it was difficult. It didn't taste quite right - I know what orange juice there tastes like, and this was almost, but not quite right. It could be the juice or my tongue/taste buds not operating properly. Slowly, in full awareness I sipped the entire cup, fully tasting every drop.

I suspected that it juice was real - I felt better for drinking it. I then wanted to make a mark somewhere in the bar to show when I return if this was a true place or not, this visit was actual or in an alternate reality.

I looked around, couldn't see anything that would be permanent. I then saw a mark on the table next to mine, an unusual pattern made by a crack and some liquid seeping to the side of the table top. I determined that I would remember this.

I have visited that bar again, and that pattern, that mark was there. Also, the road did have two walking streets.

 

Going to My Room

I then slowly stood up and walked out to the main road. I saw a beggar, a girl on the floor. I put some change in her box. She didn't react, I assumed she was real. I then made my slow walk to my hotel/apartment. It was behind the worst, most dangerous part of town. I walked past drug addicts, dealers, pimps, transvestites and prostitutes.

I walked as before with 180 degree vision, and eventually got to my place.

At the reception, I noted the receptionist I knew who spoke reasonable English. I walked to the elevator, and pressed the button. Elevators are dangerous things in dream states - you never know where you end up, and can forget everything prior to entering a new 'floor'. I lived on the 5th floor, so needed to take it rather then the stairs.

I decided to talk to the receptionist. I asked him a few questions - how long did he know me? how much did I pay? for how many days had I paid?. He answered, and I deduced that he was real - not from his answers, which my mind would know, but from the manner.

When you talk to someone, they are often mind controlled (occupied by some thoughts), but if you observe carefully, particularly in between thoughts, the divinity within shows. This is particularly the case if you ask them stupid questions, or questions that question their reality. Like are you standing there? Are you sure? How do you know that you're not dreaming?

I had to give him an explanation as to why I asked those questions. "I was just checking" I said, he looked bewildered.

In his language, I explained that "I took something, made me crazy".

He laughed. I asked him if he knew Ayahuasca. He didn't. I then confessed that I couldn't feel my hands, I didn't know if anything I was seeing was real or not. I didn't know if he was real.

"It's really bad then?" he said, looking concerned. "Why did you take it?"

Why indeed! Well, it seemed like a fun thing to do at the time!

 

Playing with Fire: Meditating in my Room

I had previously noted that I had the key in my pocket, so opened the door to my room with it. Everything looked the same. I continued with the breathing, it had now been around 4 hours and I had focused on the breath every waking second.

I put some ylang-ylang oil on my air ionizer - I'm a trained Aromatherapist and I noted that the oil smelt as it should, the only thing apart from those spikes that felt real!

I switched the ionizer on, and sat by it to meditate and breathe to the solar/lunar breath.

I was now playing with fire. All the troubles I had has so far had been because of the small pauses between the breaths, this is when the mind would become active and be occupied by thoughts. All the thoughts that it had managed to place in my consciousness it did in between the gaps in my breath, when the breath would be paused.

I would now deliberately suspend breathing, yet maintain full awareness.

Retention of the breath is dangerous at the best of times - the body builds up CO2, the blood acidifies, and you can pass out. Chi Gung masters masters never retain the breath more then a few seconds, though some do, as do Yogis and Tibetan Lamas, but with great care and only after years of practice.

I had no choice - either I am the master or it is, and I had to help my friends.

I did this to the counts of Ohm - as I still couldn't feel my heartbeat. I breathed in to a count of 8 slow Ohms, held it for four times 32 Ohms, then exhaled slowly to 16 Ohms. I found this difficult to do, though I've been doing it for years. But I continued - in through one nostril, out through the other - then in through the last out one and out through the other.

 

Re-gaining Total Self-Mastery

I persevered and continued, focusing on silence and the breath every moment, with eyes closed, in mental silence. After some time, possibly 25 - 30 min's, I began to gain more control, more poise, more focus. I felt that I had established a degree of self control over my thoughts, and decided to return to the ceremony place.

I noted that since I had spoken to Lady Aya, she had not intruded, and everything I had seen since seemed 'real' as it normally would. I was now reasonably certain that everything was real, and my hallucinations had ended - just that my perception was sluggish. However, I was not taking any chances so checked everything.

At the metro that I had entered, I noted that both the ticket guys were there, and they noticed me.

I remembered the earlier incident, and I also realized that 100 less 15 is 85 cents, not 75. So he had given me the correct change, Ayahuasca had tricked me.

This confirmed that my mental faculties were functioning and had returned to MY control. I felt a bit foolish, wanted to apologize to them, but I didn't know how to do that in Spanish.

 

Returning to the Ceremony Hall

On walking back I did a wrong turn, I felt as if I had walked on this street earlier. When I realized it was wrong I walked, then ran to some elderly people and asked them 'Donde ester calle san francisco', and they told me.

Thanking them, I made my hasty way back. At the entrance the metal shutter was down as I had left it, so I crawled under it, walked through the corridor to the ceremony hall.

They seemed to have recently finished, and had started to explain or talk about their experiences. They spoke in Spanish, so I couldn't understand a word. But I kept focus on my breath, because I knew that it was far from over. Though, for now all my mental faculties had returned to my full control.

 

Speaking about the Experience

When it was my turn to speak, one of the guys who spoke good English, sat next to me and said he would be my personal translator!

This was my opportunity to say something that would be helpful for the people in the group. I explained to them what happened, my effort to remain present, why I felt like going out, what happened. I said that there was a Hindu belief that the Spirit projected Maya, then came into the illusion for fun, got trapped in it and couldn't get out.

I tried to explain the fundamental difference between the seer, the seeing and objects he sees.

I had asked that plant to help me Know Myself. The plant had indirectly shown this to me in an accelerated way, in the only way possible. Everything it showed, in larger then life form, with sound and music, presented an illusory aspect of my mind - it could not 'show' anything real, as that is not possible.

 

The Feasting

After that, we gathered round to share food. A number of people came to talk to me. One girl said that she saw/perceived my exercises as transmuting the energy for everyone, she said that it took all of us 'up' to where we are; another said that as chance had it I was standing by the door (where I stood for some 2-3 hours), and it was like a guardian ensuring only beneficial energies entered.

A girl showed me some very beautiful pictures and asked me if I recognized anything - one was of the Spirit of Ayahuasca, others of other nature spirits, plants and other things.

There were no snakes in those pictures, Incidentally, neither did I see any, nor did any one mention seeing any! No one mentioned talking to any teachers either - though a few of the girls said that the spirit showed them things.

Another girl said that I was a gift to the group, and the group a gift to me. Another girl said that she felt lost when I left. Others said that I was very brave to go out.

A guy talked about the video 'What the Bleep Do We Know', and what I had said; another guy talked about the difficulty in distinguishing the seer from the seeing.

In the group almost everyone seemed well advanced spiritually, and all knew the score. When I finished explaining to the group my perspective and experience, the leader Don Jose Luis asked me to say more - you would have expected him to tell me to shut up!

I talked to almost everyone about what it was for them - each had a different experience, and felt better for it. Each seemed to have been shown aspects of their mind, aspects that they needed to address.

They all had many different experiences, some had wonderful images, others had memories. I listened to their stories in full awareness, without comment. With the best will in the world, no matter what words I used, I would not be able to convey the realization that the seer is the thing, and not the seeing.

If I was to make a comment, it would have been that everything you saw, experienced was caused by the drug which reflected the mind; breathe and to not attach to anything that you can see, feel or hear.

We talked until midnight, and I remained present the entire time - there was no way that I was going to be occupied by any thoughts. Everyone went their separate ways. Susanna, one of the participants asked me if I'd walk her to the car, which I did. We talked for some time, I told her that the effect had not ended, and tried to teach her to breath.

Susanna would breathe for a few breaths, then 'forget' as she occupied herself with various thoughts that she talked about.

She smoked and drank and had taken such things before (including marijuana and cocaine).

She said Ayahuasca was nothing for her!

 

To Sleep or Not to Sleep?

I told Susanna that I didn't feel like going to sleep that night. She assured me that it was over, the effect had worn off, and I must sleep.

But I gave her a number of examples of fuzzy logic, fuzzy perception that we were subject to. We went to an open bar, where we sat and chatted under the stars. Then drove to my hotel, where we chatted till 4am.

She went home, and I tried to meditate. The time seemed to crawl.

 

 

Real Dangers from the Subconscious

You may find it strange that someone like me who fears nothing would have qualms about going to sleep! This is because you don't know about such things, and it's not easy to explain. I have over the years come to appreciate that the body has an innate intelligence, knows better then I do, and to listen to it.

The mental, subconscious worlds do have some very real dangers. The mental worlds are like an energy feeding market place - all mental energy comes from awareness, or from 'occupying' an aware person and the beings that 'live' there know this, it is the only energy source that they have. The beings that live in these mental worlds are highly intelligent, much more so then we are.

Unlike us, they can not just breath and harness the energy of the cosmos - they must obtain energy from us. They only exist in mental worlds on emotional and mental energy that the mind generates. They obtain this energy by the mechanism of "Energy follows thought" - as I've explained, when you get occupied by a thought (whatever it is, good, bad or whatever) your energy goes to feeding beings that live on that type of though, that type of energy.

The priests of all religions are well aware of the countless cases of demonic possessions. There was a priest at the vatican who conducted over 10,000 exorcisms, and he maintained that Nazi's were possessed.

This by the way, is why in the movie the Matrix the machines or beings from the 'machine' world need to use humans as an energy source - they are creatures of the mind, and can only live on a particular type of energy. Mental energy. This is the energy that 'thought' takes from awareness, or rather from the the individuals essence, energy and spirit. The mind is very much like a machine or a computer, it follows rules or instructions.

If you read Carlos Castaneda, you'll note that all the countless 'Inorganic Beings' get their energy by feeding of humans or 'Organic Beings', that live and then die.

This I suspect is why you get all the engineered events in the world (911, countless wars, stress, control). They are designed to keep us occupied by certain thoughts, and by this means remain a food source for these beings. Castaneda makes this crystal clear, so does the movie 'The Matrix' - if you look.

In this world I consider myself sovereign, as I control my imagination and my thoughts, but in the sleep or dream world I would be in unfamiliar territory where the plant may have dulled certain communication channels to my Over self, which would give these 'creations of the mind' the upper hand.

We have many layers in our makeup, we exist in many levels of consciousness. These levels are normally hidden from us, they exist in the sub-conscious. Evidence of these levels is in the colours of ones aura and the memories you may have from dreams. In the dream world, these levels can be reached. As the plant had penetrated deeper levels of my psyche and energy levels, levels that I am not familiar with, I preferred not to tackle things at those levels at that time.

Only presence, awareness can bring light to an illusion, and I am not aware of being present at those dream world levels. So, I decided not to sleep until I had fully recovered.

 

Measuring my Heartbeat

At around 7 while doing some stretching on the balcony I felt the need to measure my heartbeat, as it seemed to be beating a little fast. I wondered why I hadn't done this before. As I don't have a watch, I switched on my laptop, and used the windows clock to measure it.

This seemed like a hard job for some reason, though I do it quite often. It was 70, which is average. But for me this was very fast as my resting heartbeat is around 45.

I wonder what effect Ayahuasca has on the heartbeat? I had a look at studies, but they didn't seem to measure this for some reason.

 

Back to Work

At 8am I went to work. On the way there is a park where I could walk bare foot on the grass while breathing/focusing I do this every day, but this time I did it much more diligently! I noted that the birds seemed to be screaming, I ignored them, but they would just scream louder. I continued to focus on my heart, on my breath - and for a short while it felt as if the bird sounds were inside me, in my sleep deprived state it felt as if the world was inside me, rather them me being inside the world.

On reaching the office, I talked to my boss Al, asked him if he got a call from me yesterday. He had, but he didn't know if it was me - I had recently obtained a local SIM card. I told him why I called him; told him about Ayahuasca, and asked him to look it up. Later, Al told me that he knows quite a lot about the work of Shaman, and in fact was told that he was a Shaman and this was his destiny which he was not following! He was told that he needed to face his death, but this scared him, so he kept well away!

He looked it up in some Spanish and other web pages, and told me that the effects of Ayahuasca are 40 times stronger then LSD. At lunch I talked about it with several colleagues, all IT Consultants and Accountants. I told then them it wasn't over yet!

Al said that if I had spoken to him, he would have advised me to go for it - fly! Just as well I didn't speak to him then, I thought!

Al said that the I could have just let the effects wear off, and the visions would have stopped. I told him that he didn't understand how the mind works, or what damage can be done on mental or sub-conscious levels of our being. I told him to read Castaneda and other Shamanic books, as well as the numerous cases of possession. In any case, the journey I made was more fun!

I know of a few people that have taken Ayahuasca and have apparently lost something as a result of it. This includes David Icke, who I at one time I felt was a Jesus like figure that was communicating a message that would change the world! He sent an email to all his registered web site users that reflected a delusional state of mind. Mind you, with the world and economic conditions as they are, this can happen to the best of us. However, I also heard that David had aged rapidly since after his Ayahuasca experience. This, if it is true, could have been caused by some mental creatures sucking away his life force.

Others like Stuart Wilde seem to be in the same boat - fighting mythical creatures. Graham Hancock seems fine, and I suspect that this is because he has very little Ego.

 

The Next Evening - day 2

In the evening I was in a restaurant, again in full awareness, when I noted that my hearing had again become acute. I could hear every conversation, but this time I could also hear my heartbeat. I was also able to focus on certain conversations, certain sounds as I chose. I wondered why hearing would be effected, I noted that my sense of smell was the same, sight also the same, the food tasted as before. I continued to eat, then had some tea, all in full awareness and not focusing on any one thing accept my breath.

Then I walked around the old streets, strolling no where in particular, just enjoying the experience. After an hour or so, I sat down by a quiet building in a side street and closed my eyes. I could hear acutely again, a girl talking to someone on her mobile across the road from me seemed to be shouting, footsteps seemed very loud. I continued with my breathing, focusing on the breath and silence while being aware of the very loud noises.

I felt unsafe here, closing my eyes, close to the drug capital of the country, so I decided to return to my room.

 

Sleeping in Meditation - day 2 evening

This may sound strange to the reader, but I still had no intentions of going to sleep, though I needed to sleep.

As I explained, on earth, or on this 3D level of reality (or illusion), I feel sovereign

I have total control over my thoughts, desires, emotions and imagination. This was my number one priority as a child. With this self-control I can face anything, do anything. Here, I consider myself to be the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul.

The dream world though, as I said, is a different thing. I don't know that much about it as I'm not conscious of it or rather conscious when in it. On the occasions when I am conscious and dreaming, I have control - but I'm not a expert 'dreamer' as Castaneda would have put it and not particularly interested in it. I have not mastered the tools, techniques or the training one needs to 'battle' on that plane as the Shaman do.

I don't know what levels the plant had penetrated, what 'demons' it had uncovered from my sub-conscious mind, but I can sense that all is not well at all energy levels of my mind body system.

If you talk to Alcoholics or drug addicts or even nicotine addicts - they will seem quite normal, yet there is something unconscious that is making them addicts. Consciously they may not be aware, but sub-consciously (which is where the dream states, as well as deeper layers of our personality operate from) they are trapped as if they were in the clutches of the substance that they are consuming - even at risk to their lives, their families or loved ones.

Ayahuasca and its cousin Ibogain are considered substances that are stronger then all others like Opium, Heroin, Cocaine or Crack Cocaine. Ibogain, for example, is possibly the only substance that can 'cure' crack cocaine addiction.

However, I suspected that the persons may then become dependant it, or rather to the insights that it would give them and hence want more. Shamans for example consume Ayahuasca every week, as well as countless other substances - they can not live without them. They often do this to heal others, but who knows if the Sh